The Father's Instruction to Fathers

When it comes to fatherhood, the studies are in, children need fathers. For example 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. 85% of all children with behavior disorders come from fatherless home. 80% of all rapists come from fatherless homes. 71% of all high-school dropouts come from fatherless home. 85% of imprisoned youth come from fatherless homes. From drastically higher rates of drug abuse, obesity rates, crime rates, and even death rates, the truth is undeniable, children need their fathers. And yet, despite these shocking statistics on the importance of Fatherhood, in our country, 1 of every 4 children do not live with their fathers. And yet we often look around wondering where things went so wrong.

And though the facts are abundantly clear, our culture has seemed to double-down on our lunacy and denial here, for instead of recognizing the incredible importance of Fathers, we have even gone further to say fatherhood isn’t even important! “Mothers can make good fathers too ya know!” “It’s not important if a child has one mom, two moms, one dad, or two dads, what’s important is they have two adults who love and care for them.” These are the lies are culture is believing right now hook, line, and sinker.

People really actually believe this stuff. When I used to live in the Twin Cities, I remember one of my co-workers and I were discussing this issue, and he argued just this to me. He argued that a mom can do everything a dad can do, and a dad can do everything a mom can do. And His point was that mom and dad are basically synonymous for “parent” - and a parent is a parent regardless if it’s two moms or two dads.

And yet, Dr. David Popenoe, Professor of Sociology at Rutgers University and Co-Director of the National Marriage Project had this to say on the issue: “Fathers are far more than just "second adults" in the home. Involved fathers-especially biological fathers-bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring. They provide protection and economic support and male role models. They have a parenting style that is significantly different from that of a mother and that difference is important in healthy child development.”

He’s absolutely right ya know. However, the difference here is actually even greater than what he found it to be. For not only are mother’s and father’s different in style, they are actually different in responsibility.

In Ephesians chapters 5 and 6, Paul gives us God’s instructions for how to run run the home, and in this passage he tells us something that is very, very unpopular in our current culture. And what is that? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s this: Divinely created hierarchy. Which to put it simply is that God created the home to run with an order of authority. And here’s the order: The husband is to lovingly lead, The wife <trigger warning> is to humbly submit, And the children are to respectfully obey.

And what’s the reason why we should we care about doing any of that? Ephesians 5, verse 21 tells us, the reason is out of reverence for Christ. It’s not because dads are the biggest, the strongest, the smartest, or the toughest. No, it’s because God is the biggest, the strongest, the smartest, and the toughest, and that’s how He created things to go.

Now if you don’t like that reason, what else you got? I mean think about it with me here.

Have you ever watched how non-Christians do parenting? I find the reasons they give for why their children should obey fascinating. And it’s always 1 of 2 things.

“CUZ I SAID SO!” In which the child rightly responds: “Why should I care at all about what you said?” “What makes YOU so special?” See, now here’s the thing - if there is no God, all that’s left is power. The parents are in charge because they hold the power - they are bigger, smarter, and stronger, and so little Johnny had better listen! Except that becomes a huge problem when Little Johnny isn’t so little anymore and as a teen becomes bigger, stronger, and sometimes even smarter... And so when a home’s authority runs on MIGHT MAKES RIGHT - this usually results in a “ohhh just wait until their teens! You’ll see then!” mentality.

When a Divine, Holy, Sovereign, Just God isn’t your grounds for authority, do you what inevitably ensues? “Consequentialist parenting.” And what is that? It’s when parents tend to only enforce obedience when the consequences of their children’s disobedience are dangerous enough or have reached a breaking point with their patience.

And so here’s how this typically works: The parent tells little Johnny to go brush his teeth and get ready for bed, BUT… then Johnny doesn't get ready for bed. And so what ensues is a back-and-forth argument that often mirrors a hostage negotiation. “Johnny, you know if you don’t brush your teeth they could fall out! Do you want your teeth to fall out?” “YES!” Johnny yells, “I don’t like teeth AND I’M NOT BRUSHING THEM!” And then there’s typically several back and forths, until either Johnny gets to skip brushing his teeth or he finally relents and does it because he’d rather do that than hear his parents perpetual nagging.

But, let’s change the situation a bit to something with a greater consequence and see what happens. Little Johnny decides he wants to build a camp fire, and he wants to do it in his bedroom. And so off he goes and grabs the wood, gasoline, and matches. Now, how do his parents respond to the situation? Is there a back and forth debate about it with both parties compromising to come to an agreement? Of course not! And why not? Because this is serious stuff! Someone could get hurt! And so this time little Johnny is physical prevented from continuing on in his rebellion.

But as Christians we ground our authority in God and reject consequential parenting BECAUSE WE RECOGNIZE THAT ALL REBELLION, BOTH BIG AND SMALL, IS A DECLARATION OF WAR AGAINST AN ALL-POWERFUL, ALL-SOVEREIGN, HOLY, JUST, AND WRATHFUL GOD! And so as parents who are followers of Christ, we strive to bring our children up to obey their parents IN THE LORD - For this is right! And as Paul shows us in Ephesians chapter 6, verses 1-4, Fathers bare the brunt of this incredibly significant responsibility.

And so this Father’s day, I’d like to try and encourage us with our Heavenly Father’s instructions to Fathers in Ephesians 6, verses 1-4. And if you’re not a father, that’s fine, there’s still much for you to benefit from this text as well, as I’m sure you’ll see.

Now, this week I asked my mom if I should preach a longer or a shorter message for Father’s Day, and she suggested a shorter one, so I’m gonna do that by only having 2 sermon points. I’m not going to tell you how long those points might be. But hey, it’s at least shorter in that regards right? Here they are.

The Father’s Message to Father’s is to raise our children up to honor and obey: How?

1. Correction
2. Counsel

Look with me in your Bible’s at verse 4.

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Ephesians 6:4 ESV

The word the Apostle Paul uses for “Bring them up” or “raise them” is a word that means to ‘NOURISH.” Which gives us the idea of watering a plant, or providing it with sunlight, or soil. And the point is, just like a plant won’t grow if it’s not nourished with soil, sunlight, and water, so too neither does raising up a child just HAPPEN on it’s own. And we are fooling ourselves if we think that our children will naturally grow up into being submissive and respectful adults who love God and their neighbor as themselves It won’t happen! Children needs the right stuff, and parents, primarily fathers, are given the divine task of providing it. And if they do, what is the result that verse 3 says? “That it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Which means, it will lead to their flourishing.

And so what is the right stuff? Correction and counsel.

The word ‘discipline,’ or ‘correction,’ is another very unpopular term in our culture. And there’s no way around it here, it has to do with the rod - or physical discipline. It carries the idea of guidance through physical consequences as seen all throughout the book Proverbs.

For example:

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

Proverbs 22:15 ESV

The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Proverbs 29:15 ESV

A while back I was reading a Christian article on Facebook about this very issue, and I foolishly started reading the comments section, and then even more foolishly took the bait and tried to engage in some conversation with some who disagreed with this biblical understanding. And the counter-argument to this was that the ROD wasn’t a rod of physical discipline and correction, it actually should be interpreted as a Shepherds staff for guide children. But there’s two big problems with it. Actually there’s 3, but I’m only going to give you two today. 1. As Proverbs 23 points out, the Lord disciplines and guides us how? With the ROD and the STAFF. Which doesn’t make much sense if those are same the thing... Second problem is that Proverbs 23:13-14, tells us this:

Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod And rescue his soul from Sheol.

Proverbs 23:13-14 NASB95

That verse is basically saying, “Relax! Your loving physical discipline isn’t going to hurt your child, in fact, it’s going to save their soul from death!” And why does their souls need rescue from death? Because, as cute as they are, our children are ALL born as rebellious little sinners at heart, and their rebellion not only leads to pain and hardship in this life but in the life to come!

Do you realize how serious the sin of disobedience is? It’s called rebellion, and what does 1 Samuel 15:23 say about God’s view of rebellion? He calls it “Witchcraft” or “Divination!”

For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, he has also rejected you from being king.”

1 Samuel 15:23 ESV

And apart from the Grace of God, what is the consequence for all of this? Eternal hell. Which I can tell you is a whole lot more dangerous than measly little campfire in the bedroom!

When children rebel against their parents, they are rebelling against the very God of the universe, and if we do not continually force them to face the rebellious sin-nature that is within their hearts, we show not love, but hate!

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

Proverbs 13:24 ESV

If you only discipline your children for “THE BIG STUFF” - like campfire’s in the bedroom, then you are raising the up to be rebellious God-haters. How so? Because the older they get the better and better at disguising their rebellion!

My son Ian is 2 and a half, and this guy can’t hide a bad attitude if his life depended on it! He’s terrible at hiding it! You see it on his face, in his tone, in poochy-lip, and in his ridiculous power-walking arm swinging tantrums. And if as a parents if we just ignored this stuff, or try to distract them from their rebellion with shinier or tastier pleasantries, do you know would inevitably happen? He’s gonna learn to better mask his rebellion. Right? I mean, how often do you see an adult storm across the room and throw themselves on the floor and pout because they didn’t get the last cupcake? Not very often. But you do you ever see adults with more subtle attitude issues? You ever see anyone act with Passive aggressiveness? “Yes,” said the room full of Minnesotans.

Look, if we think our children will just naturally GROW UP and OUT of their rebellious ways into being submissive, respectful adults who love God and their neighbors as themselves, we are seriously deluding ourselves! The truth is, if a child doesn’t obey when they are 4, why on earth would we think they would obey us when they are 14? The truth is, they won’t! Not really. Because as we know with God, outward obedience without inward HEART change isn’t commendable, it’s CONDEMNABLE! And so just because they are better at hiding their rebellious nature at 14, doesn’t mean there’s been improvement, for the truth is that’s unimprovement before God!

The Bible is crystal clear here: If we do not require obedience from our children, we are actively leading their souls to hell. And so this is why we take every single act of rebellion with the upmost seriousness, because even the smallest act of it is large enough to damn their soul to hell!

The number 1 most important thing that parents need to teach our children at a young age is this: There is such a thing as AUTHORITY, and you... are not… it. And why? Because it’s my house, my rules? No... because it’s God’s house and He’s a holy God who will judge the world for not following His rules.

The Bible is chalk full of so many examples of this. I think Eli’s son’s Hophni and Phineas who God judged and killed early for their sin. Why? Because Eli refused to discipline them.

And then their’s the example of King David with this sons whom he didn’t discipline. First there was Amnon who raped his half-sister Tamar, in which David is upset, but doesn’t discipline him for. Then there was rebellious A-do-ni-jah who 1 Kings 1:6 tells us how David “never at any time displeased him by asking, ‘Why have you done thus and so?” David’s children’s rebellious hearts eventually lead to death and destruction, which is a picture of what the rebellion in our children’s hearts leads to eternally

Discipline is vitally essential in the home, and without, we hurt our children in ways we never imagine.

What is the criteria given in this verse for our discipline? Look at verse 3:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Ephesians 6:4 ESV

Discipline how? Without provoking our children to anger.

Now, before we move on, I really have to make a few things clear here:

Biblical discipline:

Only disciplines for sin, not childishness.

If you discipline them for childish shenanigans, or because they are just annoying you, not only is that abuse, but it will provoke them to anger! If your 4 year old is playing with the vacuum hose like it’s a snake or something, and you did not previously instruct them not to so, do not discipline them for it or you will provoke them to anger. And another thing, don’t make pointless, arbitrary rules or you will provoke them to anger! And, don’t punish children for mistakes! If they trip and spill their milk because of their little undeveloped motor skills we don’t discipline them for that! We smile, and say, “No need to worry over spilt milk” - and then help them clean it up. Unless of course, they were standing on the table trying to balance their milk on their head, and you’ve told them before not to do so, and they rebelliously did it anyways and spilt.

A lot of parents forget that training our children is vastly different than training an animal. For example, with a dog, it’s all about cause an effect. When they dig in the garbage, they get the newspaper regardless of their understanding. But with a child it’s very different. We do not discipline them without them knowing what it is we expect from them. However, be wise here parents, for children understand things far sooner than we often think. If they can understand how to unlock your smart phone and pull up baby shark, they surely understand what the word “no” means. And so we need to be careful in a culture that is more than willing to provide us with all sorts of reasons why our children can’t or don’t obey, which biblically - there’s ONE - and it’s called SIN.

The Bible is clear here - Once our children understand the meaning of the word “no,” it is our jobs as parents to enforce it. And so if a child hears the command, understands the command, and refuses to obey the command, then they are engaged in active rebellion of the heart, which means we must address it as parents.

As our children’s spiritual guardians, when we ignore their rebellion we are risking their very souls to Satan, as Satan uses this rebellion to create a stronghold in their hearts from an early age that despises authority and submission.

Our children need to be brought to see that their anger towards their parental authority is really, at it’s heart, anger towards God’s authority. And so as parents, our goal isn’t to raise them up: To love themselves more To improve their self-esteem. To follow their dreams. It’s to teach them about the HOLINESS of God! To show them that they have fallen short of the divine standard. To remind them that ‘Trying to be better” won’t cut it! For apart from the grace of God they are totally helpless sinners who will not stand on the day of judgment.

Biblical discipline:

Is not punishment

When we talk about physical discipline, we aren’t talking about punishment. For discipline and punishment are two VERY, VERY different things! We never discipline with vengeance in our heart. Nor anger, malice, or resentment, but with loving compassion. We do not deal with our children harshly We do not make unreasonable demands We do not abuse our authority - but practice servant leadership. We do not make rules for the house without GOOD REASONS for them, We do not nag our children, or condemn them, We do not emotionally manipulate them by withdrawing from them or neglecting them when they disappoint us! We do not humiliate them, insult them, nag them, nor discipline them publically And instead we deal with them gently, but firmly We deal with them patiently, kindly, and graciously, just as our heavenly Father deals with us.

But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world.

1 Corinthians 11:32 ESV

Yes, our children desperately need a firm and loving hand that forces them to see and face the rebellion that lies within their hearts, but they need much more than that, they need a Father who will counsel them by pointing them to the only Savior who can deal with their rebellious heart

How do we raise our children up to honor and obey?

1. Correction

The second word in verse 4 is the word instruction, or better translated “counsel,” which tell us church, that John Wayne Fathering isn’t gonna cut it! Telling them to quit being sissies and rub some dirt it in isn’t good fathering, instead, it’s going to provoke them to wrath!

And so what we must do is counsel them with the gospel, not with MORALISM. Look! Changing their behavior, is not the goal! Obedience, in and of itself, is NOT the goal! Nor is a child who is respectable, controllable, socially acceptable, polite, respectful, or moral! And why not? Because we are not after BEHAVIOR modification! We are after spiritual heart-change which comes ONLY through the power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ!

And so as parents we live out the gospel in front of them. When my children see me loose my cool and respond to them in sinful anger, I don’t just breeze past it, I go them and confess my sin against God and them, and then ask them for forgiveness. And why? Because Daddy is a sinner saved by the grace of Jesus - and that’s what we all need to fix the rebellion within our hearts.

When my two year old sins and lies to me for the 4th time that day, I don’t use my words to try to manipulate him into obedience, I ask: “Son, why do you think it is you keep lying?” And then use that as an opportunity to point them to the gospel.

Are you getting the idea here? Parents, and especially Fathers, YOU ARE THE PRIME EVANGELIST in your child’s life who has the incredible responsibility to point them to salvation in Christ! It is not the pastors job, a youth pastors job, the Sunday School teacher’s job. Fathers, it is first-most, YOUR JOB, and it’s a job of enormous importance!

Our fatherhood is meant to display on earth the nature of our heavenly father who is unseen. And so, we must take our role as fathers with the upmost seriousness, not only seeking to raise our children in the discipline and in the instruction of the Lord, but to first-most ensure that we ourselves are living according to the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Men, you cannot lead your children down the road of Christ-likeness further than you’ve already gone yourself. And so Fathers, we must be the pioneers of our family’s faith as we have been given this tremendous responsible by God Himself.

Which means that we must live out Christianity in front of our children every day of the week in everything that we do. If our faith is a Sunday Morning only kind of faith, are children will know it, and they will come to despise it. If we drive them around all week long to school, work, plays, sports, and concerts, but then neglect God or His church, are we teaching them something about the worth of God? Indeed we are: And so by the grace of God we must strive to model the love of God in all we do and say, for the glory of God, and for the sake of our children.

Dad’s. This is a tall order is it not? indeed it is. And though we have failed and will fail, we must move forward recognizing the incredible privilege we have been given to be the prime vessels to introduce our children to our perfect heavenly father who is the only one who can Father our children in the ways their hearts and souls require.

This is the manuscript the sermon was preached from, so the recording may differ in places.